no legacy is as rich as honesty

surprise, surprise! guess who's still awake?

this girl.

i decided to stay up later than my grandmother tonight, and finally focus on the blog i've been neglecting these past few weeks. as i said in the beginning of this entire project, i am treating this blog as my personal journal. but as in many personal journals... they're full of the honesty most don't share with the rest of the world. but i, kendra moberg, am taking the more personal route with all of this. why, you may ask? good question. 

SO, to be quite honest...

i've been at my all time low the past few weeks. at first i blamed most of it on myself, and others that surrounded me. then i took my problems straight to this awful state i'm currently residing in, and had it take the blame. then i threw it on the people who also reside in this state, putting each and every one of them in their own psychotic categories i was mentally developing for them in my overly processed ginger idea tank. 

after school yesterday i sat at my apartment, my brain practically molding from all the rancid idea's that were bouncing around. i was forming thought after thought, and then the actions i would take to fulfill these thoughts began to represent themselves right in front of me. and no, they weren't to blow up utah, and everyone in it...

action number one: drop out of school. drop out of school in utah, transfer to a school in washington, move back home, work hard, play hard, call it good until scott comes home. problem solved. i called my dad immediately and proposed this idea. one of the many things he told me in that phone call will forever be branded into my mind. well, two things. first, "put on your big girl panties and get it done." and second, "stop dating your career." stop being unsure, trying to find different options that at the time seem better then what you already have. stop looking for something better and never being satisfied with something so perfect that you've had for the past seven months. my first thought to all of that was..."whaaaaaaaa??? this girl ain't dating nothin." but i was. i was dating my carreer, one that can make me thousands in the first year. when really i should have been married to that sucker this whole time.

action number two: get liposuction and get on accutane as soon as possible. wow. i don't think i've ever realized how despicable of a thought that is. my mother came down last weekend, and oh... how awesome it was. of course when mom is in town, we hit up the mall. but this time around, the same old sizes didn't exactly fit anymore. i wish i could tell you all that i had to get smaller sizes, but oh no... they were bigger sizes. it was the most degrading shopping trip of my life. my self-esteem hit the ground traveling as fast as a penny just dropped off the top of the empire state building, and doing just as much damage once it hit an innocent pedestrian at the bottom. as i went to fitting room after fitting room, the more and more i began to get disgusted with myself. what happened to the petite girl i knew back in high school? heck, the petite girl i knew a few months ago? where was she? i poked at my stomach, and waved my relief society arms back and forth. i stared at my not so perfect face in the mirror, and not only began to point out every single flaw i began to notice, i started to count them. that night i researched liposuction prices until my fingers got numb.

today i found myself weeping in front of my prestigious school director. i told her i wanted to go home, and i wanted to go home now. and wow, how she unraveled me. i had a plan just a few weeks ago. a new apartment to move into, new furniture to buy, new roommates, a lot of great perks, and a new pool of sexy men to pick through. school was going great, i was doing much better then i ever imagined i could. and then one thing after another, my plan began to crumble underneath me. i was unsure who to live with, unsure where to even live. and i was panicking. i was ready to do whatever was easiest, and what was easiest was to dip out and go back to moses. my dad was right, i was dating my career. fetch, i was being a straight up tramp with my career. i wasn't committed, and i was constantly looking for something "better". my director sat me down, gave me a fat box of tissues, and minute by minute started to rebuild me. before you knew it, i had found a place to live, with awesome potential roommates, and i tied the knot with my education.

a dear friend of mine surprised me at my apartment tonight. we got starbucks and drove off into the storm that was shaking the car and filling the sky with strikes of lightening. i've never seen anything so beautiful. i didn't even have to say anything, she knew the positive self image i had created for myself was gone. and like an onion, she began to peel back every layer of me. those sizes up i had been complaining about? they all were a size LARGE. that's it! a large. talk about a world epidemic, right? so what if i wasn't in the small and rare mediums i use to be. since when is a large "big"? news flash, it's not. i know it's over said that true beauty is rare. but to be honest that was something i never truly understand. if "true beauty" was so "rare", then why did i see it everyday on hundreds of girls... none of them being me? but true beauty isn't the size two girls with bleach blonde hair to their butt and porcelain skin. that may be the most untrue beauty. now i am not saying that the girls who have these exact looks are not truly beautiful, it's the girls who starve themselves and fry their hair to achieve something that the world has morphed them to believe is beautiful. let's be honest. there really isn't a single true definition of beauty. yes, you can find it in the dictionary, and the definition you will get will be this; the qualities that give pleasure to the senses. once we all cast out the worlds assumption of what beauty is, and focus on what it is to us, those qualities that give pleasure to the senses won't be the size two qualities. they'll be the qualities that you and i already possess. it'll be the shirt i'm wearing, which is a size large, that will be beautiful on me, and i will be beautiful in it. i was look so dang sexy in that large shirt, i will make rooms that i walk into so hot that they might just exploade in flames. my friend said it like this; we're all our own city, with each building representing a different characteristic that we ourselves have been born with, or others that the world has willing, or unwilling gave us. we need to begin to slowly destroy each and everyone one of those worldly buildings until it's just us left standing there. then we can focus on what really makes us happy, what we really think is beautiful. we can stop seeing what is "wrong" with us, and finally see what is so unbelievably amazing about us.