i miss mexico

i remember one of scott's converts telling us how our knees should be like that of a camels. 

callused over. 

why would i ever want callused over knees? 

why would anyone ever want callused over knees?

but.

 if i don't have callused over knees, obviously i'm not recognizing the man upstairs enough.  

the one who gave me everything.

the one who gave me this life because obviously i'm too weak to handle anything else.

anything like mexico.

anything where i'm not surrounded with kids of my same faith, a safe place to figure out who i really am, and to help me mold myself into the person i want to become.

i mean, hello. i have a bed. one i don't have to share with anyone. one that is all mine.

i have outfit after outfit i can wear. and i even have the luxury of wearing different clothes for sleeping, working out, and attending church.

i go to school.

i have a family that loves me. i have a home i can go to no matter what.

i meet in somewhat of an actual church building.

i have a car.. (for now;))

i don't have to worry much about someone breaking into my house at night.

i have a laptop. and a phone. and a camera.

but why?

why was i given all of this?

what did i ever do? and what makes me so weak to still question things when it's all been laid out in front of me so easily with no excuses? 

i wish i could give it all up and run away to mexico and fend for myself, but still be so happy. just like they all are.

but i can't. and let's be honest.. i wont.

so for now, i'll begin to callus over my little ginger knees.

done and done.