it takes courage to grow up and become who you're suppose to be

just a fair warning; this is quite deep.

but i'm afraid if i never blog about this i may forget about it, and that's no risk i'm willing to take with this bad boy.

i love who i'm becoming.

i know i always refer back to that one awful time in my life in high school when i practically fell off the deep end, but its because i always think back to the girl that i was before all of that.

i loved that girl. she was amazing. so happy and full of light.. life was a breeze.

i've been witnessing myself slowly molding into that person again, and i've already seen the difference in my life.

before i left for provo this round i received a fathers blessing. 

in this blessing one thing that was said, was for me to get really involved in my ward calling.

so i came down here, and i waited.

yesterday sacrament was all about "true conversion", which i have been truly striving for.

there was a quote from i wish i remembered who, which said that true conversion isn't just a moment, but a journey.

a man from the stake got up afterwards, and said that as he heard the talks that morning and as he watched all of us, he saw that we all get it. we understand the concept for true conversion, and we all are searching for the real thing and working hard to be truly converted.

my heart was on fire. i had been giving myself a silent guilt trip as i listened to every talk that metting, and i was writing little notes of everything i needed to do in my leather bound church notebook to become that truly converted girl.

but as he said that it was like a weight had been somewhat lifted off my shoulders.

i finally got my ward calling, which is visiting teaching supervisor, and as i was set apart yesterday i received another blessing.

in the room with me were a group of four other girls who were also getting set apart.

one of the girls had the same calling as me, so i figured that we would have the same blessing. (since the blessing is centered around your calling.)

but that wasn't the case..

as i sat in that chair, and the first counselor placed his hands on my head it was like the whole world stopped for a brief moment and Heavenly Father himself was talking directly to me.

as if out of all the millions of people in this world, he had picked me in that moment and wanted me to know whatever i was about to be told.

and oh, my blessing was nothing like the other gals.

i was told that Heavenly Father was so proud of where i am, and where i was going.

that He had been impressed with the pure intentions of my heart, and that the actions that i have been making lately reflected Christ like actions that i had once beheld.

then i was blessed that i would find a love for every member of my relief society, and that if i  get deeply involved in my calling he will bless me with a joy that i have never yet felt, a joy that will fill my soul and help me discover everything i have been searching so desperately for.

a joy that i have never yet felt? i remember how i felt back when i was that free living girl, when life was simple and beautiful. THAT joy was what i keep craving. but to think that i can have such joy greater then that fathoms me.

to think such a thing exists.. it makes me want to work even harder.

to become this great person that i'm suppose to be.

the counselor ended my blessing, i stood up and shook his hand, and then he paused for a moment, looked me straight in the eyes, his eyebrows beginning to crinkle together as if he were mid thought, and then he simple said..

"bless your heart."

 

rescuing hug

"Heidi and Paul Jackson's twin girls, Brielle and Kyrie, were born October 17, 1995, 12 weeks ahead of their due date. Standard hospital practice is to place preemie twins in separate incubators to reduce the risk of infection. that was done for the Jackson girls in the neonatal intensive care unit at The Medical Center of Central Massachusetts in Worcester.
Kyrie, the larger sister at two pounds, three ounces, quickly began gaining weight and calmly sleeping her newborn days away. But Brielle, who weighed only two pounds at birth, couldn't keep up with her. She had breathing and heart-rate problems. The oxygen level in her blood was low, and her weight gain was slow.
Suddenly, on November 12, Brielle went into critical condition. She began gasping for breath, and her face and stick-thin arms and legs turned bluish-gray. Her heart rate was way up, and she got hiccups, a dangerous sign that her body was under stress. Her parents watched, terrified that she might die.
Nurse Gayle Kasparian tried everything she could think of to stabilize Brielle. She suctioned her breathing passages and turned up the oxygen flow to the incubator. Still Brielle squirmed and fussed as her oxygen intake plummeted and her heart rate soared.
Then Kasparian remembered something she had heard from a colleague. It was a procedure, common in parts of Europe but almost unheard of in this country, that called for double-bedding multiple-birth babies, especially preemies.
Kasparian's nurse manager, Susan Fitzback, was away at a conference, and the arrangement was unorthodox. But Kasparian decided to take the risk.
"Let me just try putting Brielle in with her sister to see if that helps," she said to the alarmed parents. "I don't know what else to do."
The Jacksons quickly gave the go-ahead, and Kasparian slipped the squirming baby into the incubator holding the sister she hadn't seen since birth. Then Kasparian and the Jacksons watched.
No sooner had the door of the incubator closed then Brielle snuggled up to Kyrie - and calmed right down. Within minutes Brielle's blood-oxygen readings were the best they had been since she was born. As she dozed, Kyrie wrapped her tiny arm around her smaller sibling.
By coincidence, the conference Fitzback was attending included a presentation on double-bedding. This is something I want to see happen at The Medical Center, she thought. But it might be hard making the change. On her return she was doing rounds when the nurse caring for the twins that morning said, "Sue, take a look in that isolette over there."
"I can't believe this," Fitzback said. "This is so beautiful."

"You mean, we can do it?" asked the nurse.

"Of course we can," Fitzback replied.

Today a handful of institutions around the country are adopting double-bedding, which seems to reduce the number of hospital days. The practice is growing quickly, even though the first scientific studies on it didn't begin until this past January.
But Heidi and Paul Jackson don't need any studies to know that double-bedding helped Brielle. She is thriving. In fact, now that the two girls are home, they still steep together - and still snuggle."

whhooaaa. I'M BACK!

i dont even know where to begin. 

seattle was amazing. every time i hang out with my family i realize more and more how awesome they are. 

taylor is a hoot. she got to skip a few days of school for our little getaway and was loving it.

i'm sure my mama got tired of hearing me say... "okay! now one picture with my camera!" but we got the job done.

i have favorite restaurants like every other american or human on this earth, but i've never eaten at each and every one of them in a single weekend. i walked around like a penguin, filled with nothing but red velvet chessecake, bonzai burgers, sweet potato fries, and sooo muucchh fair food.

we admired my long boarding wounds all weekend as they finally started to heal. sunday night i was telling my mom that i hope the one on my palm scars over, because no one ever scars on their palms. she just looked at my like a sweet little bunny and sayed; "Christ did." yes mom, yes he did.

monday we were at the fair literally all day, and it. was. awesome. 

the puyallup fair is HUGE! they have it all. plus, who doesn't love a good fair?

they have a sky ride that takes you up and over the entire fair, AND a frozen yogurt shop right in the middle of the entire place. (i was in heaven) 

we saw a group called vocal trash. youtube that crap. they're wild. they only use recycled materials as instruments, and their voices are amazing.

we finally saw our baby girl, selena gomez and ohh.. she's a beauty.

but here i am now. back in provo.. and loving it.

i use to hate coming back after all my visits home, but it's actually not too shabby..

i love my roommates. i love my brother, and all my family that is literally a hop and a skip away. my ward is awesome. my bishopric? awesome.

i am so unbelievably blessed, and i feel like i'm finally starting to earn it.

and it's.. you guessed it.. AWESOME.

families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts

i'm kind of REALLY EXCITED to be flying out to seattle in two days to finally be reunited with my beautiful little sister and gorgeous mama. and what is this trip for you may ask? 

the one and only, selena gomez!

don't make fun of me, but i'm kind of pumped for it.

selena gomez is a babe, and i may or may not love her like a love song. and who knows, maybe my boy justin bieber will make an appearance. ...i plan on bringing an extra pair of pants just in case.

BUT! yes. seattle. my beautiful family. girls trip. selena gomez.

talk about the perfect getaway.

<3

beyonce

beyonce pulled a quicky on me today.

beyonce, as in my fish beyonce.

there i was, being a sweetheart, pouring her back into her freshly cleaned tank when she slips out and hits the counter top.

it felt like i was drowning my own child. 

of course it's impossible to drown a fish, but when it's flopping around on the counter it's pracitcally drowning.

just gasping for air, looking at you with it's big eyes wondering what the heck your problem is for letting him just sit there and practically die. staring at you all kinds of disgusted.

now i may be a pro animal, but i cannot touch a fish for the life of me.

right when it fell onto the counter all help broke loose.

i start running around, yelling at deerey to grab it and put it back in the water.

i'm pointing, screaming, jumping up and down, my long boarding wounds ripping open from all the commotion, blood devouring my sandles, deerey yelling at me to call kevin, refusing to touch the fish, me screaming bloody murder, me having a panic attack, me not being able to breathe, my fish flopping around, me running to the balcony and discovering the guy staring up at our apartment in horror, my yelling at him to come put my fish back in it's tank, him magically being in my apartment seconds later, and finally my fish back in it's tank ALIVE.

it was traumatizing, and i felt awful.

so i went and bought another one.

yes, another fish.

his name is eminem, and i love him.

but if he commits a suicide attempt i might just lose it.

i'm exahusted, and it's time to creep.

deerey, where you at?

labor of love

alright. so let's talk about this; teen pregnancy. teen pregnancy and pregnancy out of matrimony.

we all know someone who has had a baby while still in high school, or have had a baby with a man that is no where to be found now. some get married, some separate, some don't even knew each other beforehand, and some do not want that baby.... that is until they feel it squirming around their stomach for the first time. no, i am not pregnant. but yes, some of my friends have been, and now they have beautiful babies. 

society looks down on so many things, and in no way am i preaching to the world that it's okay to get pregnant at such a young age while you are not married... but hello. i know when i was in high school just balancing my family, dance, friends, school, my social life, aannndd my minor crazy stage was almost too much to handle. by plate wasn't just full, it was overflowing. i had drill team every morning before school at 6:15AM, then i would get ready for school in the locker room, attend school until 2:45, then get ready for dance or drill that would either be at 3:30, ending at 6:00. or beginning at 6:00, sometimes ending at 9:00 or 10. i would somehow work my homework, FHE, dates, social events, mutual, temple trips, family affairs and friends after friends into all of that. i simply didn't have time to get pregnant, but could you imagine being pregnant on top of all of that?? dealing with swollen feet, back aches, not being able to see your own two feet, throwing up day and night, having a constant pressure on your insides from the continually growing baby, doctors appointments, baby showers, and preparing for the baby's arrival. i know there is no way i could handle one second of that in that time of my life.

but what about everything else that could happen? what if the baby isn't 100% healthy? what if the baby daddy leaves? but most of all, what if you lose the baby?

i don't think anyone really every thinks about that when they hear of an accidental pregnancy. people can be so quick to judge. do you honestly think that's what they wanted? to get pregnant at this time in their life?.. should they have been playing with fire? probably not. but we need to remember that we all have a plan, no plan is quite the same, and each plan might not be ideal, but each plan is made for that specific person. whether it be good or bad, God will never give us something we cannot handle.

these women don't just have babies. they have those babies, and they keep on marching. many go to school to gain an education to support their growing baby. all work their hands to the bone to guarantee the child the life that they deserve. and most raise that baby to be something amazing.

so here's to you, all of you young pregnant women. whether your baby daddy is still around or not, do not give up. you're worth is much more precious then anything you'll ever know, and so is the worth of the small child growing in you, or the small child you gave birth to two months ago, or two years ago. give that baby everything it deserves, and do not settle.

from the bottom you can only see up

september 4th

it has been so l o n g so i blogged last!

i think about it everyday, but forget about it every night just as i'm about to slip into bed.

not going to lie, i'm having a blast. round two of provo is awesome.

i feel bad that i keep doing a quick rundown of all of my time here whenever i blog, but it's all i can do; so here we go.

on tuesday i went on a date with a guy from the ward.

we went to a beautiful park in orem (love that place), drew henna on each other and ate cheesecake.

just a little tip of advice, i love cheesecake.. and if you want to win me over give me some of that cheescake.

anyways! the date was way fun and then wednesday became my last day of freedom. 

me and scott said goodbye to stephanie, kritt, and little mason after raiding their pantry.

let's just say that was depressing. stephanie keeps texting the family pictures of texas and how you can see into mexico from the front of her church. i keep praying for her sweet little soul.

thursday i went on yet another date but this one was unforgettable.

we went long boarding down the canyon.

i've heard some horror stories about this canyon, but i also hear that it's way fun so of course i was excited.

i'm golden, and then half way into the ride here comes the hill of all hills.

of course i wiz down the thing and my body nails the pavement like a bug on the windshield.

my board disappears to who knows where, i skid and roll, my knees come through my pants, my sandles rip off, and there i am; sitting on the pavement path, in the beautiful canyon, bleeding everywhere.

as we waited for the car to come pick us up, the five year olds coming down this evil hill did not take the sting off, and neither did the perp on the scooter.

me and my date took the date to a whole other level the rest of the night as we sat in the bathtub cleaning up my cuts. and fellas, my date never left my side. so keep that in mind if you ever annihilated a girl on a date. such a sweetheart move.

two lessons learned. one; never wear sandles when long boarding. and two; alcohol pads burn.

i went back to school with pus filled hands, and now i can't work on anyone until they heal.

sooo bitter sweet.

saturday we watched the BYU game against Ole Miss, how they won i have no idea but hallelujah! 

that night little johnny boy was having a tough time so me and desiree decided to gather everyone together and go dance at studio 600 in provo.

now remember, my hands, knees, and toes are annihilated from long boarding so i'm planning on walking up in their all kinds of bandaged up and sexy.

but of course, studio 600 in provo is closed.

and where does everyone want to go? to the slums of studio 600 in salt lake.

so yes, we drive all the way to salt lake and end up on a wild goose chase from dance club to dance club. one was latino night, another was heavy metal night, and the last one was closed.

we finally give up and drive to 12 different denny's trying to find one that isn't crawling with terrifying people, we fill our tummies with hot coco and head back home. 

church was beautiful today. i kind of never wanted it to end.

afterwards we all came home and whipped up a family dinner with mine and scott's apartment. then an evening walk, ward prayer, and games.

 

tomorrow? park city.

leggo.