it takes courage to grow up and become who you're suppose to be

just a fair warning; this is quite deep.

but i'm afraid if i never blog about this i may forget about it, and that's no risk i'm willing to take with this bad boy.

i love who i'm becoming.

i know i always refer back to that one awful time in my life in high school when i practically fell off the deep end, but its because i always think back to the girl that i was before all of that.

i loved that girl. she was amazing. so happy and full of light.. life was a breeze.

i've been witnessing myself slowly molding into that person again, and i've already seen the difference in my life.

before i left for provo this round i received a fathers blessing. 

in this blessing one thing that was said, was for me to get really involved in my ward calling.

so i came down here, and i waited.

yesterday sacrament was all about "true conversion", which i have been truly striving for.

there was a quote from i wish i remembered who, which said that true conversion isn't just a moment, but a journey.

a man from the stake got up afterwards, and said that as he heard the talks that morning and as he watched all of us, he saw that we all get it. we understand the concept for true conversion, and we all are searching for the real thing and working hard to be truly converted.

my heart was on fire. i had been giving myself a silent guilt trip as i listened to every talk that metting, and i was writing little notes of everything i needed to do in my leather bound church notebook to become that truly converted girl.

but as he said that it was like a weight had been somewhat lifted off my shoulders.

i finally got my ward calling, which is visiting teaching supervisor, and as i was set apart yesterday i received another blessing.

in the room with me were a group of four other girls who were also getting set apart.

one of the girls had the same calling as me, so i figured that we would have the same blessing. (since the blessing is centered around your calling.)

but that wasn't the case..

as i sat in that chair, and the first counselor placed his hands on my head it was like the whole world stopped for a brief moment and Heavenly Father himself was talking directly to me.

as if out of all the millions of people in this world, he had picked me in that moment and wanted me to know whatever i was about to be told.

and oh, my blessing was nothing like the other gals.

i was told that Heavenly Father was so proud of where i am, and where i was going.

that He had been impressed with the pure intentions of my heart, and that the actions that i have been making lately reflected Christ like actions that i had once beheld.

then i was blessed that i would find a love for every member of my relief society, and that if i  get deeply involved in my calling he will bless me with a joy that i have never yet felt, a joy that will fill my soul and help me discover everything i have been searching so desperately for.

a joy that i have never yet felt? i remember how i felt back when i was that free living girl, when life was simple and beautiful. THAT joy was what i keep craving. but to think that i can have such joy greater then that fathoms me.

to think such a thing exists.. it makes me want to work even harder.

to become this great person that i'm suppose to be.

the counselor ended my blessing, i stood up and shook his hand, and then he paused for a moment, looked me straight in the eyes, his eyebrows beginning to crinkle together as if he were mid thought, and then he simple said..

"bless your heart."