you have enemies? good. that means you stood up for something

state 2010; military--489, dance--454.5, kick---479

state 2011; dance--416, pom--394

i will not sit back and let you crumble

open confession is good for the soul

1.) i thought i was getting annoyed with all the talk about charlie sheen, but now i just want to punch rebecca black in the face.
2.) i'm currently obsessed, and i mean obsessed with jessie j and jersey shore. i loved both of them months ago, but trying to find the "real" jessie j, along with vinny and snooki on facebook may be getting a little out of hand..
3.) speaking of facebook friends... i really wish facebook would allow me to add jimmer as a friend...
4.) even though i didnt actually attend the real soccer game tonight, watching the recap on the news is making me fall further in love.
5.) i'm craving a cupcake more than anything right now.
now i'm just going to paint my stubby toe nails and raid stephs pantry for any sweets.

joy in looking and comprehending is nature's most beautiful gift

this past week i witnessed one of the most beautiful things i've ever experienced in my short 18 years of life.

every wednesday at 6:00 PM you will find a handful of young, adorable girls, walking into their pastel colored dance studio, giggling as they rip off their street shoes, press their sock covered feet into the laminate floors under them, and begin to warm up to justin bieber. 

as i sat in the corner of my old dance studio and watched what was being unveiled in front of me, a frozen smile was the most i could animate as i fought with all my might to hold back the tears that began to fill my eyes. 

all of these life loving girls i was tearing up over were blessed with down syndrome. each had their most comfortable dance attire on from black leotards and tights, to baggy sweatpants and their favorite tee. taylor, sporting her stretchy pants and autographed JB shirt i forged for her... 

when the class first began taylor, along with a few other girls were all in. touching their toes, shaking their hips, stepping to their left and right, and owning the dance floor. a few where staring at themselves in the mirror, lost with their two left feet that they've never used for dance, and the rest were being stubborn by sitting in the corner refusing to point a toe or extend an arm. 

as the class progressed girls grabbed other girls by the hand, drew them into the group, and one by one before you knew it every girl on the floor was smiling, twirling, telling secrets, laughing, high-fiving one another, cheating at freeze dance without knowing it, and shacking their booties.

i can't tell you how many sixth graders i've glared down  for looking at my little sister like she was something unreal. i'm not sure how many of you know how many school officials my parents have fought against to allow my little sister to get main streamed into middle school classes, which i'm proud to say she's dominating, but her education providers didn't have enough faith in her to believe she could achieve such a thing, like it was out of her reach.

people with down syndrome are not stupid. most of them are smarter then the average human being, and many of them are smarter then some of you reading this post. they may not have the ability to showcase their intelligence, but i could bet on how many of you would be amazed to know what really is going on behind those charming glowing eyes.

so, as i sat there and watched all of these gorgeous girls feel free in the surrounding that this dance studio had created for them, i felt nothing but joy. never have i seen something so beautiful as a young group of gifted girls, surrounding each other, expressing pure love and acceptance, and allowing me to witness every minute of it.

thank you to kendall earl, chelsea manly, and amber sainsbury for providing such an atmosphere.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

aight, i've been MIA for a few days... and no, it's not from laziness.

i went home! being home required me to be MIA. with so many picnics to attack, nephews to chase, a little sister to photograph, an older sister to talk my jaw off with, buckets of time to bond with the rents, and catching up with all my old friends, where was i suppose to find the time? well news flash, it wasn't there.

with absolutely no time to blog i think that explains how great being home was. without a doubt the best trip home yet. and good news! i get to fly home for easter. the parents hooked it up. i can't wait to find all those eggs to use as ammo against innocent people, and all that food? i'm already seem ripping my pants so i can add five more inches of fabric. gotta prepare for the goods. (just kidding maa. seem ripping is not my forte.)

seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

this will be a song of the decade...

i love me some of that russell...

start wherever you are and start small

abby took her first steps today.
not just baby steps, her first actual steps.
one foot after another, she walked.

watching her little legs struggle to support the rest of her body, as she found her balance, locked in her core and actually walked for the first time ever in her entire year of life was so awarding.
it's something most of us, being blessed with the ability, are able to do.
something so simple as walking, we've all been given the chance to own.


i can't remember the last time i sat and watched a one year old take it's first steps.
the determination that a human being so small has is something i think we all need to never forget.
it's something we all had to learn.
we've been blessed with the ability, and we each had to master it.
and we did exactly that.
we mastered that skill, and many of us have perfected it.
we've became marathon runners, dancers, soccer players, and many other athelets.
all because we learned that simple movement before we could even say a complete sentence.

well, what else are we capable of?

being happy is one way of being wise

today was great.

i accidentally slept in, missing my 5:00AM wake up call...
sorry steph. but it was awesome. 
confession: ever since i've been home i've been falling asleep anywhere and everywhere, in the clothes i wore that day, with my make up still on, phone barely alive, and teeth unbrushed. disgusting right? i have no idea what my deal is. probably that i am too tired to function, but mostly because i haven't felt so safe or comfortable since i was here last. i love being home. 
tomorrow, i will wake up at 5:00.

it's 10:15 and i'm exhausted...
today i; slept in as late as i possibly could, cleaned out conners grimy over fed fish tank, delayed and prolonged my getting ready for the day, picked taylor up from school, owned the DQ drive-thru, annihilated walmart, got my nails did...by myself, went fantasy car shopping online, got a headache over trying to find t.swift tickets, got surprised by my mother with t.swift tickets, ate one of my favorite homemade dinners, went to the movies with the fam bam, and now i'm home... exhausted.
why? BECAUSE BEING HOME IS AWESOME.

watch out tuesday.
i'm coming atcha.

home is home, be it ever so humble

me and mathew palmer were suppose to leave provo on sunday afternoon and book it up to washington.
friday afternoon i get a call. "let's leave tonight. why wait?" 
why wait is right!
mason's birthday party ended, i went back to provo, and i packed as fast as i ever have. 
and hey! i didnt forget a single thing. (which probably means i packed everything plus the kitchen sink, but whatev. i got it all!)   
we left around 9:00ish, and rolled into my driveway at 7:00 A.M.
the rents still thought i was coming on sunday, so when i rang the doorbell saturday morning, my dad's face was priceless...

taylor had absolutely no idea i was coming at all. i had to surprise that little girl.
as i snuggled into bed with her, trying to wake her up, she finally noticed who i was ten minutes later when he head popped up from her pillow and she said..."hi sister!" in her groggy 7AM voice.
all four of us,"mom, dad, tay, and me laid in my parents over sized bed and talked about everything that we've both missed out on being mlies apart.
then dad took me and tay to the bistro for breakfast, and apparently justin bieber was there too... i wish.

we were celebrating abby's birthday that day. kellie brought all the boys over, ryan and april came up with emm and wes, jess finished work and came over with tom and jan, and the party started!
oh, how i missed my nephews. hearing "aunt tenra!" made my cheeks cramp from grinning so much.
conner ran up to me and tugged onto my shirt asking where my fish had gone.
since i've moved he's pointed to pictures of me and asked kellie..."mom, where did she go?"
so i can imagine how blown his mind was when i showed up, and when i showed up without my fish... no bueno.
so what else is an aunt to do, but to take all of her nephews to the fish store?

thankfully the dads came with, because after entering the fish store i realized there was no way i could've handled all of those boys alone. they ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.
tapping on the glass, screaming nemo and dory everytime they saw their look a likes, and wanted to "touch" all of them.
we ended up buying a beta for conner and jace and made it home just in time for chinese and jimmer.

i'm so happy to be home, and today is sunday. even better...

you were born an original, don't die a copy.

steph called  me out on her last blog post to share seven quirks about myself...

and this ginger never turns down a challenge...

1. i eat a cupcake almost daily. yes, daily. after school i walk myself on over to cocoa bean cupcake cafe, pick up the "better then anything" cupcake, (unless they have red velvet) and i march back home. i'm about to the point of being dependent on those small little bundles of happiness. and thankfully i haven't noticed any weight gain from this disgustingly delicious ritual.

2. i'm dead set on the idea of never getting married, or dating. my mom might kill me for just saying that, but like it or not i'm more than okay with that idea. i've loved, i've been loved, and i've loved being loved. i've also abandoned being loved, and i now can see why. i hate sharing how awesome i am. now that sounds ridiculously conceited, but the idea of being a strong independent women intrigues me a little too much. me and my dad have had way too many headstrong conversations..

3. i'm obsessed with bands from london. mumford & sons, adele, lily allen, kate nash, florence + the machine... i love em all. if it's not the accent's that drag me in, it's how straight forward they all are.

4. i collect fortune cookie fortunes. just ask my mum, most of them are pinned up in my room back home. however lame it may sound, i put full trust in whatever fortune i read. i can always get something out of them.

5. when people are categorized as "outcasts" or "freaks" by society and are rejected by others based on their looks, habits, or hobbies, i instantly envision them in their happiest state. laughing and smiling with their loved ones, living in their most comforting space, just being happy; and in seconds i grown a love for that person. i hope people do the same for me.

6. i want to attend the grammy's or emmy's one day. or both? the world of entertainment amazes me. say what you want, but something has always gravitated me towards the limelight. (that sounded like something rachel berry would say...)

7. i'm a full blown redhead. i don't tan, i burn. i have two cities of freckles on each of my shoulders, and a few around my lips. i'm very bold, sarcastic,and i cannot tell you how many times i've been told that i'm crazy.  being a ginger is what's up.

just singing in the rain; what a wonderful feeling, i'm happy again

alright, first let me apologize for being M.I.A. the past few days. i'm a busy girl!
school's been hectic, i've been having sleepover after sleepover, and i haven't been home long enough to even look at my laptop, let alone blog off of it.

so i decided to take this lovely hump day and make it all about me.

my room is spotless.
my bed is perfectly engineered with tucked in sheets and fresh pillow cases, my closet is now color coordinated, my laundry will be finished drying in 24 minutes, all of my unfinished valentines candy is gone, my jewelry is organized, and my calendar is updated. i finally have room to breathe.
now i just need to shower before i start to get dreads... (which i would secretly love to have.)

while i was chained to my bed post trying to find the carpet on my half of the room... that's when i heard it...rain.
it wasn't just a light sprinkle, it was pounding into the concrete and earth that surround my ground level window.
my cheeks instantly rose, and a smile erupted from my pale ginger face.

the first thing i explain to everyone after i tell them i'm from moses lake washington is that it's not close to seattle at all, or anywhere for that matter that gushes rain. but somehow even after i explain that they always seem to think that it rains everyday in moses lake, and that i don't think of rain as anything special.

well listen up, moses lake is a desert. it rains, but just as often as it rains anywhere else. and when it rains, it's beautiful.

i'll never forget the way the sunset looked during a rain storm; as it was barely peeking over the mountains, glistening on the lake, making the sky look like it was on fire, and that smell. you know that smell i'm talking about. (if they could bottle it and sell it as a perfume i'd totally buy it.)

i loved watching that sunset fade behind the mountains, taking the rain storm with it and leaving the scent of a cleansed earth.

so when it rains in utah, that's the first thing i think about.

that ML lake illuminated with the suns light, the sky bright red, and the smell of rain.

perseverance is strength

unable are the loved to die.

reality hit me like a bullet today, and continued to eat at my heart until now. 

actually no, it's still eating at me. 

a girl from school has a down syndrome brother. i'm not sure how old he is, but judging from the picture's i've seen he can't be any older then eight. words cannot describe how adorable he is. this girl, let's call her sally.. hadn't been at school for a while and today we found out why. sally's little brother, the one with downs... had passed away.

my blood raced to my heart, my ears began to burn, and before i knew it i had tears.

taylor.

i wanted to be with her right that second, doing time wasting sister things and being silly adolescent girls.

 i dont care what we did, i just wanted to be with my little sister. i needed to be.

i instantly envisioned watching her sit and watch the jonas brothers on youtube, pounding alena on the carpet with her self made grip from her tiny callused thumb, most likely decorated with chipping nail polish me or stephanie had painted on.

and then i saw her. my little taylor.

criss cross applesauce with her overly flexible limbs, arms folded, most likely holding a diet or a peanut butter cup, looking up at me with her perfectly round face, glasses hanging all goofy like from her ears, and her grin reaching from ear to ear. 

my heart sank deeper, and i had to excuse myself from the room before i lost it. 

i was disappointed.

disappointed in myself.

for every night that i left her, home alone with my parents, sisterless. 

not saying there's anything wrong with hanging out with the rents, but i had rejected almost every sleepover she invited me to.

that smile i was envisioning quickly turned into that heart breaking frown taylor does when she's truly sad.

and for all of you that's seen it, it's will shatter you.

i sat there disgusted at myself.

this little angel of a sister, simply wanted a small amount of my time, and that was it.

she didn't want to barrow a shirt, or money.

she just wanted me. 

and i denied her countless number of times.

we're 739.7 miles apart, and i think about her everyday. 

the thought of her being taken away from me so suddenly makes my heart explode.

the fact that i doubt that she has any idea how much she means to me is haunting.

she can't just not know that.

she needs to know that, and she needs to know that as soon as possible.

everyone should have a secret plan

the next week bes go by quick as lightening. 

my patience is as thin as an anorexic teenager on meth. 

for real.

the sweet imperfections of a hot mess of the girl

 

this describes me perfectly in a nutshell.

lose an hour in the morning, and you'll be hunting for it all day

lately stephanie has been doing some "30 Day Challenges", which have been quite sucssuessful.
she dropped her nail biting habit (snaps for stephanie), and has taken on a new challenge.
sooo, i figured i'd join her on this one.
5:00 AM WAKE UP CALL.
yes, you read correct.
five o'clock.

you may wonder... what does a college girl, with no homework or essays to attend to actually do on early mornings like this?

today... hot chocolate, homemade muffins, and the bachelor.

happy tuesday...... :)

where do i sign up?

i just want to sell all of my things, buy a nicer camera, a beat up van, and chase nature's tantrums

i'm suffering

suffering from writers block.
i hope you all like pictures, because for now that's all i got.
lo siento.  

 

a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

a fish may love a bird, but where would they live?

i have no idea where i got my fascination with fish and birds from.

well no, thats a lie.
i've always loved birds.
not for pets.. but for just being birds.
ask my parents.. i got a parakeet when i was younger.
his name was nugget, and he was the spawn of satan.
so i sold him.
i did it some what out of fear.
fear that it would attack me in my sleep or chomp my finger off.
but i mostly did it out of guilt.
seeing something so beautiful contained in a cage so small completely and utterly alone.. killed me.
i could feel its depression whenever we had our staring contests.
even though he was truly evil, i understood why.
(and no, i'm not a bird whisperer... OR AM I?..)
he wasn't happy.
but who can blame him. 
i had ripped him away from all of his friends, and contained him in a strange unknown place, allowing him no room to fly and explore the world. like he was meant to do.
and as pathetic as it sounds, i now know exactly why i've suddenly become obsessed with these beautiful creatures.
it's because i'm just like them.
i can't be contained, i need room to fly and explore, and i truly am beautiful.

now when it comes to fish, it's practically the same story.
not only are fish easy pets, they're beautiful. and cheap.
and no, i am not saying i'm cheap and easy..
one of my favorite quotes says.. "the fish are the last to discover the ocean."
and it's true.
i think life gets so busy, we all get caught up in the small silly things we really never sit back and smell the roses.
life is so beautiful. 
even with all the negatives and the positives, they both make the world something unexplainably gorgeous.
and oddly enough, some days i wish i were a fish.
i would swim around shamelessly and be gawked at by humans everywhere.
life would be so easy..

i want one...

me duele la cara

i feel like all my recent blog posts have been "empty". full of nothing interesting or inspiring. just pitiful.

but get this.. i hate january, and i hate february. fetch, i hate march too. so for now, my blog is going to blow.


my apologies.

alright, anyways... i got a chemical peel a week ago. you know, a peel of thee face. it's a treatment for your skin. tons of girls get it, so i took the plunge. and oh, did i peel. i felt like a snake. but good news! it made my skin beautiful.

it also brought up all the nastys. no bueno. sooo word on the street is one of the esthetic instructors is bomb at doing extractions. which in street terms is, "popping dat zit.". once this little ginger heard, i ran up those stairs like a jack rabbit.

heather is the magician to all of this. she doesn't just pop whatever like a youtube video, she gives your skin a deep wash, which feels amazing.. but then she RIPS YOU APART. next thing i know she's busting out all these different tools, grabbing my face, and practically branding me, taking things that were blind to me out of my face. i wouldn't be surprised if she drew bone marrow. there was blood dripping off my face, bloody gauze pads piling up, my white knuckles gripping the edges of the operation table, and my face slowly swelling. at then end of it all, i not only felt like i had just had plastic surgery, i looked like i had.

my face, my small little face.. was huge! so swollen, red, and to be honest.. i looked like a meth addict. but man oh man, heather did work.

today my face is still very swollen and red. trying to mask the redness with make up doesn't help. one, i'm afraid to put makeup on my fresh skin. and two, my face is too tender to even touch. i can't even make any facial expressions without hurting. gross, isn't it?

the good news is, there is literally not a trace of gunk in my face. it's as clean as a whistle! a bloody swollen whistle... and i love it.

sweet sweet summer

please hurry.

i have so much to look forward to...

i'm past angry ginger mode, now i'm just furious

he is we just announced some new tour dates.

but they're all on the east coast.

so it's nearly impossibly for me to attend... but here's the kicker....

cady groves it touring with them.

yes, cady frickin groves.

i'm so angry. 

my two favorite bands in the entire world, touring together, and i'm going to miss it.

this can't be real.

i'm free but i'm focused

i love alanis, and dis be my jaaaammm.

i'm not good at sharing

i figured it out.
why i have these walls.
the ones that always tear you and i apart.
i build myself up to this great, giant thing.
and i find you, this other great, giant thing.
and of course we stick to each other, because we're both amazing awesome things.
and as time takes it's course, we begin to bond, and we both become dependent on eachother.
because you see, we're both bonding our awesomeness. 
but then i realize that we're morphing into each other, like normal people do.
and i panic. because i don't want to lose this great, giant thing i've built myself up to be. 
but today i realized that all that time i wasn't loosing anything, i was gaining everything.
instead of sharing, it was more like trading.
upgrading, you could say.
we were a lighter and a fuse.
but instead of being a melting candle we were like a raging bonfire.
that makes sense doesn't it? 

we couldv'e had it all

the art of pleasing is the art of deceiving

as usual, me and candace had the biggest heart to heart today.
after discussing boys, and roommates, coworkers, and enemies we finally got down to the grit of everything.

being happy.
i believe there is only one way to be truly happy. and that is by pleasing yourself.
and you only.
now don't get all excited and think it's okay to go rob a bank, or do drugs because that is "pleasing" to you.
but honestly, are you ever beyond happy when you are being told what to do left and right, living for others and not for yourself?
how many times do you back out of something because it wouldn't "please" someone.
whoever that someone might be.
your parents, your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your grandparents, your husband or wife, your children.
again, let's not get too many wild ideas with this, but really.

as i look back on the past two years of my life, i've been most happy when i'm doing things that please ME. it may not be EXACTLY what my parents wanted for me, or what my friends did, and maybe some of my own siblings. but whatever i was doing made me happy. and in these moments i'm the most worry free girl you will ever know.

and who is to say that those things that may not be pleasing to others are wrong? some people think it's wrong to drink diet coke. but i'm a diet coke addict. i do it to please myself, not others. some think it's awful to watch jersey shore. but i can't help it if vinny is a total babe, and snooki is the funniest little meatball i've ever seen. i love that trashy show, and you bet my favorite day of the week is jersday.

now all these things are very small, but still. they please me. in most cases though, things are usually a lot greater when it comes to pleasing people in life changing ways. like for example, me going to hair school. you can go ahead and think i'm "dumb" because i went to beauty school. but when did i ever tell you that the only reason i'm attending beauty school is because i was denied from every college in the country that i applied to? oh wait, i never said that. i went to beauty school because i wanted to. i wanted to have that for breathing room, a back up plan. i want to have the ability to help people feel beautiful. it pleases me.

these aren't the greatest examples, but i guess what i'm trying to get at is that we all need to live for ourself.

we need to have our own opinions.
we need to make our own decisions.
and we need to live how we want to live.

because if we don't, we'll all be slaves to society.

i'm not a saint, but i'm not a sinner, and everything's cool as long as i'm getting thinner

tonight was swell.
me and lacey robbed the university mall.
then we went and robbed the provo mall.
got myself some new black pants, the most adorable bird necklace from forever, and last but not least...
NARS ORGASM BLUSH!
all of you women, leave that kitchen and go buy this blush.
it will blow your mind.
after blowing up every mall in our range, lacey dropped me off and the party continued.
candace and i hit up starbucks, then smiths, and snuck all of our goodies into the good ol' dollar theater.
one of the few things i like about utah is the dollar theater.
i'm counting down the days until tangled comes.
and oh my fallowzy, it's 1:32 A.M.

song of the day: "the fear"-lily allen

a white blank page, and a swelling rage

love

learning to float

i went into school at 12:00, and around 2:30ish we headed to the homeless shelter to give out free haircuts. let's just say, it was a growing experience.

my first client sat in my chair, and told me to give him a "jack mormon" or a "jack joseph smith" hair cut. his name being jack, i actually found it quite clever. but what he really wanted was a missionary cut. he had been a hippie his whole life, with locks of hair drifting past his bum. his last hair cut was to his shoulders, and he decided that it was time to clean his act up. his upcoming court date probably was a good motivation, but i saw something else behind his tired blue eyes. he wanted to impress the judge by cleaning himself up, he had been to jail once already, and he was at the end of his rope. he was arrested for possession with intent of distributing, and he actually seemed truly sorry. as he told me about his life, i could tell his kids were the coal operation his engine. all of them were addicts, to whatever drugs they could get their hands on. some in jail, most on the street, looking for the next pick me up. some he hadn't seen sober or drug free in years. and he held himself 100% responsible. which i agreed with. he had gave his kids ammunition to use for whatever they liked, and made himself a ticking time bomb.

before he left my chair he told me his dream. to own his own rehabilitation center. he wants to go to utah state, figure out what all he has to do, open his own place up, and save everyone he can.

my best of luck to you.

client after client i realized how blessed i am. i can call my parents whenever i need them, and even when i don't. i have shoes, lots of them in fact. i have at least five different coats. i have clean underwear to wear everyday (believe it or not). i have family who lives 20 minutes away, who would be with me in a heartbeat if i was ever in trouble. i'm getting an education. i have toothpaste, shampoo, lotion, deodorant, and band aides if i ever get a paper cut. i have a bed, i have a cellphone, i have God, and i have countless number of friends.

and that's just the beginning of it.

could you imagine living with none of that. no home to run back to when it all falls apart. no safe haven.

completely and utterly alone.

it's days like this when i realize how much i take my life for granted.